


an invisible string

by fauu_stine



Series: social media AUs [4]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pining, Self-Discovery, Sexual Tension, Social Media AU, Travel, backpacking AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:13:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 124
Words: 21,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26934157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fauu_stine/pseuds/fauu_stine
Summary: Even is starting his solo trip, hoping to prove himself. Isak followed his best friend on a post-graduation trip, not expecting anything from it.Over their respective journey, they keep running into each other.OR: a backpacking AU.
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Series: social media AUs [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1919482
Comments: 146
Kudos: 287





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome back!!!
> 
> I think by now, you know what's up (but in short: I'm reposting my social media AUs from Twitter to ao3 for safe keeping). This social media AU is based on my own solo backpacking trip in Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam. All the pictures used are mine, taken during my trip, except for the pics of the characters, but I guess it's obvious lol. The written parts are a bit different from my previous AUs, since I turned them into extracts from Even's travel journal (and some parts are based, once again, on my own travel journal). But apart from these little details, everything is pretty similar to my previous stories.
> 
> Enjoy <3


	2. Chapter 2




	3. Chapter 3




	4. Chapter 4

_EVEN'S TRAVEL DIARY_

**DAY 1**

I was really dreading the flight before I left, because the idea of staying almost 12 hours in an enclosed space without being able to move other than by going to and from the toilet, without having access to the open air, terrified me. It reminded me too much of the hospital, of the room I couldn't leave, stuck in bed.

But in the end, it went well. I watched movies (of course) and then I more or less slept for a few hours. 

My first impressions on Bangkok are good. It's not half as suffocating and overcrowded than I imagined it would be. People are super relaxed, they sit everywhere on the sidewalk and eat from food stands scattered on the side of the road, sometimes at the most random spots. It's a big city but still, it looks and feels very different from Oslo or any European city I've been to. I can't decide if it's a good or bad thing though. 

I have to admit, now that I'm sitting outside watching the street and the people walking around, being completely anonymous, I can't exactly picture myself living months like this. I thought being anonymous, being invisible in a foreign country on the other side of the world was what I wanted… But now it seems scary. This is it. Me. Alone. Far away from my past, but also from my family, from everything I know. What happens if I can't get out of bed? I did all of this to prove myself I could survive on my own, but what if I can't?

I'm probably overthinking too much. It's barely been a few hours and I'm exhausted. I should sleep. Tomorrow, surely I will feel more positive.

So, good night, Thailand! Nice to meet you, I guess.


	5. Chapter 5




	6. Chapter 6

_* 2 tramps + 2 broke guys gc_


	7. Chapter 7




	8. Chapter 8




	9. Chapter 9

**DAY 3**

It's the strangest feeling ever, being lonely in a city of 8 million people.

I'm still feeling shaky. Last night, I was panicking completely, lying in my bed. It's just… when I'm visiting, I'm okay. I'm seeing so many beautiful places, so of course I'm somewhat okay for a while. But then, when it's night, my brain betrays me. I wish I could speak to other travellers after my day of exploration, you know, just to talk to someone, about anything, really. But for some obscure reason, my hostel is basically empty.

I was planning on travelling around four months but it seems like an eternity now. Even a month sounds like forever. And I don't want to give up. Because I wanted and I still want to prove to everybody that I can do it, that I can manage on my own…

And yet. Here am I, eaten up by fear and loneliness already. After just a few days.

I don't understand. Since the Bakka disaster, and especially since Sonja and I broke up, I've been used to being alone. I was fine with it. I found ways to stay busy, I did things on my own and I was fine with it. So why can't it be the same here?! Why do I suddenly feel the need to be around other people in order to quiet my mind?

It's barely been 3 days. I can't go home now… or can I? 


	10. Chapter 10




	11. Chapter 11

_-Phone call to Mom-_

Hi, honey! How are you? Are you having fun?

 _*Even stays silent a bit too long*_ **I don't know…**

Even? What's wrong?

**I don't know why I'm like this. I should be having the time of my life but I'm just constantly fighting against a panic attack.**

Oh, sweetheart… It's normal to feel uneasy, it's a big change. But it's only the beginning. You will get used to it, I know you will. You're so resilient.

 _*Even sighs, when he speaks his voice is shaking*_ **What if I'm not? What if I wasn't capable of taking care of myself, of being alone? What if Sonja and... everyone else, what if they were right?**

They are not. I know you better than anyone. I know you can do it. Your father and I are so proud of you already.

**You won't be if I come home in a few days…**

Even, it doesn't change anything. We will always be proud of you. You took a plane and travelled on the other side of the planet, it's huge already. But you need to do things for yourself. Stop thinking about us, or Sonja, or the rest of the world. You're doing it for you. And if it doesn't feel right, then there is no shame in turning back. It's okay.

**Okay…**

Okay? Just… Try a few more days, change of city, I'm sure it's gonna get better soon.

**I hope so.**

Trust me. You will prove the world wrong, for you're stronger than you even imagine yourself to be.


	12. Chapter 12

**DAY 4**

Khaosan Road is probably the most well-known street in Bangkok among the travellers, for it's the meeting point of the backpackers community to get drunk and party all night.

For this reason, I had no intention to go. But it seems like I reached a desperate point and earlier today I did end up there.

Quite unexpectedly, it turned out to be the best decision I made since I left Oslo.

The street is a hustle and bustle of curious tourists and eager sellers. It boils down to food stalls scattered everywhere, including roasted scorpions, bars and stands of identical clothes from one shop to another. It's not the most beautiful or memorable place in Bangkok, but it's fun to see.

Although, it became kind of memorable to me when I heard him.

I was walking around an impressive number of cheap pants with colorful patterns when I heard a man's voice half-yelling;

"Jonas! I swear if you're buying this ugly, ridiculous, tourist elephant pants I'm leaving you here and you're never seeing me again!"

The thing is, it wasn't in English, nor any foreign language I could have had vague knowledge in. It was in Norwegian.

"Come on, Isak, don't be so dramatic! It's iconic. It's fun!"

"What happened to not buying clothes made by poorly paid workers who are being exploited by big corporations?!"

"Dude. It's a street market, not H&M."

"Look around you, they all look the same. It screams exploitation! Plus, there is no way I'm walking next to you with you wearing those."

Their banter made me too curious to walk away, that and the fact I've probably reached a new level of desperation, so I turned around to find two young men, probably around my age. One of them had dark curls and was holding an elephant pants in his hand. The other was… an angel? The prettiest boy I've ever seen? With blond, wild curls, the cutest nose and the most kissable lips. 

In all objectivity, of course.

They kept arguing for a while, and I lost myself staring at the blond boy, until my insistent eyes on him caught his attention and he turned his head in my direction.

I only freaked out for a few seconds, being caught staring at him so shamelessly, because then he was the one watching me far too long. He didn't look annoyed or offended by my behavior, on the contrary; after a minute, or an eternity, who knows, he offered me a shy smile.

"Yo! Are you even listening to me?!" His friend exclaimed, breaking our eye contact as the boy had to direct his attention back on him. He seemed a bit lost.

"What?"

This time, his friend was the one glancing at me. He arched an eyebrow at me in question, and that's when I decided to be bolder than desperate (although, for me, it's probably the same thing). 

"Halla, fellow Norwegians!" And then as I pointed at the piece of clothes, "nice pants."

The brunette snorted, throwing a "I told you so" look at his angelic friend. 

"Thanks, man," he replied, looking very proud. "I think I will buy it."

Next to him, pretty boy groaned, and I couldn't help but laugh, which earned me another lingering look from him. In the meantime, his friend walked away to buy the pants, leaving us alone together.

"Hi. I'm Even."

The boy blinked at me a few times before processing the information and finally stuttering an answer, "oh. Hey. I'm Isak." He paused before adding, "and the guy who's about to embarrass me with his ugly pants is Jonas."

"Nice to meet you both," I chuckled. He looked so grumpy and mad at his friend, and yet, I found him even more endearing and pretty that way.

Jonas came back with the elephant pants in his hands, making Isak roll his eyes at him. 

"Are you alone?" Jonas asked as he was putting his new pants inside his backpack.

I nodded, trying to keep a straight face although my heart was beating fast, realizing they would soon leave. "Yeah. I am."

"We were about to get a drunk. Wanna join us?" Jonas asked, thankfully. I could have hugged him for it. That's how desperate I was, clearly. So obviously, I accepted.

"That's chill," Isak grinned at me, his green eyes never leaving me, and that's what made me smile wide for the first time since I arrived.


	13. Chapter 13




	14. Chapter 14




	15. Chapter 15




	16. Chapter 16




	17. Chapter 17

**DAY 5**

As promised, Isak and Jonas picked me up at my hostel before heading to the pier to take the boat that would take us to the other shore. We visited Wat Arun, climbing among the white temple decorated with colorful patterns. Then we decided to get lost in the remote and less touristy areas of Bangkok. 

It was fun to follow Jonas who pretended to know where he was going, only to get lost every five minutes, and Isak grumbling after him, insisting that we use Google Maps - except it didn't turn out to be more reliable and we went around in circles for a while.

Somehow we ended up in Wat Kalayanamit, by the river. The temple, wrapped in the smell of incense, was the home of an imposing golden Buddha. We sat for a while in the religious silence of the place, sitting on our knees, making sure not to point our feet at the statue. 

As we walked along the river bank, we also came across a Taoist temple, and then a Catholic church - a surprising mix of holy places and different beliefs.

The day was marked by long walks, so when we returned to our neighborhood we were starving. Jonas found us a restaurant and we ate like starving men. 

It's been a wonderful day. 

That is why, of course, it couldn't last much long...

"We are leaving tomorrow for the islands, in the South," Jonas informed me, putting an end to my good mood.

"Oh. Tomorrow?."

"You should come with us. Do you have an itinerary planned?" Isak then asked me, his eyes sparkling green and a shy smile on his face. His cheeks were slightly flushed, and I couldn't tell if it was because of the heat or because of his invitation.

It didn't matter anyway. Because I had, indeed, an itinerary, which consisted in avoiding islands at all costs, or any place that rhymes with partying and drinking and sleepless nights. Because messing around on the other side of the world was not an option. Who would be there to get me back down to Earth if I tripped and lost myself? No one would be there. I was alone with my fucked up mind.

So, reluctantly but decisively, I declined Isak's offer. "I... I can't. I already have reservations. I'm leaving for the North tomorrow. But, uh... Thank you for offering. I hope you have a good time."

I don't know if it was wishful thinking, but the look Isak gave me afterwards seemed to reflect disappointment a lot.

He became quieter afterwards, more distant, although he smiled at me when we had to say goodbye. It seemed to me that we both looked sad, and it didn't make sense.

After all, we had only known each other for 24 hours. We knew nothing about each other. We were nobody to each other. So why did we feel- why did I feel that way?

I guess I'm back to you, loneliness. Good night, for now.


	18. Chapter 18

_* Norwegian guys in Thailand gc_


	19. Chapter 19




	20. Chapter 20




	21. Chapter 21




	22. Chapter 22

**DAY 9**

It seems like I'm back at my routine from my first days in Bangkok: keeping myself busy during the day, hoping to be too exhausted at night to overthink.

It's not working very well, obviously.

But now, not only do I worry about the length of my travel and the upcoming lonely, grey days ahead of me, but I also think about him. Isak. The boy with the wild curls and the kind smile, grumpy but sweet with me, who looked so hopeful when he suggested I came with them, only for me to let him down.

I don't know him. And I know how time is different when you're travelling, I know a day spent with someone feels like a week when you're far away from everything and anyone you know, when you're sharing the same experiences day and night. But still. Why do I care so much about him? Why do I think so much about him?

Although I liked Jonas, he doesn't occupy my mind the way Isak does.

It's not right. My time here shouldn't depend on someone else. It was the whole point of my trip after all: to be on my own, and to be happy on my own. To be independent.

Of course I had to fuck up my plans by obsessing over an almost stranger.

Seems like I'm bound to fail, after all. Maybe Sonja was right. Maybe my parents were wrong. Maybe I was wrong: I can't live without relying on someone else to be happy.


	23. Chapter 23




	24. Chapter 24




	25. Chapter 25




	26. Chapter 26

**DAY 13**

Chiang Mai, the biggest city in the North of Thailand, is good to me.

It's a big city but it doesn't feel like it, although the streets are busy sometimes, too. The center is an old town with hundreds of scattered temples. There are gold and colors everywhere. The food is good - delicious, actually. I ordered about a dozen Khao Soy in just a few days.

I'm still quite unlucky with my hostels' choices though: I still haven't met anyone since Isak and Jonas back in Bangkok, and it wasn't even at my hostel there either. But I guess it's the price to pay when you're avoiding the usual backpackers, party hostels.

But I'm managing. I'm starting to feel better in general. 

I've spent hours walking around in the small, narrow streets of the old town, reading hopeful quotes on the trees. I got lost in Chinatown and flowers markets. I rented a bike and went exploring outside of it, too, biking in the expat neighborhood, then up to Chiang Mai university with its huge park. Another day I took one of the red taxi/public transport of the city called Songthaew just for the sake of it. I hiked the Monk's Trail, almost dying from the heat in the process, up to the famous, golden Doi Suthep temple on top of the hill.

I took a cooking class. I saw elephants in a protection and conservation center.

Life has been good, for a little while. 

Life has been good, even if I'm still feeling lonely at night. 

Even if I'm still thinking about him, too.


	27. Chapter 27




	28. Chapter 28




	29. Chapter 29




	30. Chapter 30




	31. Chapter 31




	32. Chapter 32




	33. Chapter 33




	34. Chapter 34

**DAY 18**

After more than a week in Chiang Mai, I would have thought that I had seen it all and that nothing would amaze me anymore. 

Turned out I was wrong. Because walking in the same streets I've been for days didn't feel the same at all now that I was walking them with Isak by my side. Nothing was the same.

Everything is better. Isak makes everything better.

It is a revelation, to look at Isak smile at me softly, or burst out laughing at something seemingly funny I said, while the sunbeams make his blonde curls shine and his cheekbones get flushed from the heat. He's nothing but beautiful, his green eyes sparkling and his lips slightly ajar as he admires altars and painted, golden walls inside majestic temples. 

He looks stunned when he tells me at some point, "I will never get used to how different it is."

"Different?"

"From Churches."

There was a glint of sadness haunting his green iries that made me think Churches may have been something he was used to, and those hold memories he would rather forget about. There was definitely history behind his words.

"So good different? Do you like it here?"

Isak nodded slowly, taking in the colorful altar one last time before turning away, then looking up at me straight in the eye. With a faint smile, he confessed, "yeah. I like it."

His soft eyes didn't leave mine for a very long time.

I took him to one of my favorite places, to a garden at the back of a temple' courtyard, with a pond dotted with water lilies, crossed by a wooden bridge, each side of which was decorated with fabric lanterns of all colours. We settled down in one of the cabins on the water's edge, sheltered from the sun, and talked for hours.

"So why have you decided to travel, and why on your own?" Isak asked first. We were sitting side by side on a bench, but we both had our bodies turned towards each other so we would basically be face to face.

"On my own, simply because I had no one to travel with." I was expecting Isak to give me a weird look (don't you have friends? what kind of weirdo don't have friends, huh?), but it didn't happen. He nodded, and then waited for me to continue. So I did. "I also needed to do it on my own anyway. And I guess I… That's something I've always wanted to do. But I've been too scared to do it until now."

"What changed?"

I had to think about it. How honest and open was I allowed to be? Not too much, probably. It was too soon to pour my heart to him. "It felt like the right time. I needed a break from Oslo, from my life there."

"I get that," Isak said.

"Yeah? What did you decide to travel?"

"Jonas made me," he joked, although it sounded half-true. "No, but… We just graduated high school and I needed a change of air. Actually, I didn't know that's what I needed until Jonas suggested this trip. But I felt like I was… suffocating, I guess? It's just, shit happened in the past few years, and it's better now, but it doesn't erase the past, you know?"

That's something I understood perfectly. "Yeah. The past is still weighting on your shoulders."

"Exactly!" Isak exclaimed, looking a bit amazed. "That's exactly it. So when Jonas said he wanted us to explore the world before starting University, it actually didn't sound like a bad idea."

"And here you are."

Isak smiled. "And here I am. Here we are." Then he looked away for a bit, pensive while he watched the pond water and the insects flying around the water lilies. "I don't want to do it too long, though," he added eventually.

"Travelling?" Isak nodded. "Why?"

"Because I don't want to be running away from Oslo. It's just a break. I will be back. I have to."

It sounded a lot like something Isak would repeat in his head, like a mantra, or maybe more like a promise.

"It's good. You're allowed to," I said carefully. I had to admit, Isak's words hit home more than I wanted it. "I think… I think, for my part, I may be running away from Oslo, from who I am there. I don't know. Sometimes I think I'm doing this to prove myself certain things but sometimes I'm also scared I'm just doing it so I don't have to face other things back home."

Isak leaned forwards, and so did his hand, and for a moment I thought he was going to touch me, to put his hand on my knee or even maybe take my own hand, but he didn't. He seemed to change his mind mid-movement and he let his arm fall back on his leg, leaning on it.

"There is no shame in that, though," he told me after a while. And it looked like he really meant it. "I think I'm running away from some things, too, to be honest," he added in a whisper, like he was sharing a secret with me.

We both smiled at each other in understanding.

"I guess we can run away together then," I chuckled. I said it as a joke, but I meant every word of it, and the look Isak gave me told me maybe he was okay with it, too.

"Yeah," he grinned, "we can do that."

We stayed there talking until it got dark and the trees lit up with multicolored lanterns.


	35. Chapter 35




	36. Chapter 36




	37. Chapter 37

**DAY 21**

Tonight, the sky has been lit up by hundreds of burning lanterns, and it's been a spectacle as breathtaking as I had hoped for it to be.

But it's not what really took my breath away.

What really took my breath away, it's Isak's glowing skin under the warm light of the flames. It's Isak's grumpy face when he struggled to set up his lantern on fire and almost burnt his fingers with his lighter, before I took over for him. It's Isak's embarrassed chuckle when he thanked me for my help. It's Isak's green eyes on me when we both held his lanterns in the air, counting to 3 before letting it go. It's Isak's bashful smile as he watched his lantern fly away in the sky, joining hundreds of others. It's Isak's hand brushing mine in the crowd, fingers grazing each other, not quite unintentionally, more like silently questioning, exploring the possibilities. It's Isak's small gasp when I took his hand, officially to not lose him as we followed Jonas who was trying to find a way out; but in reality, to touch him, to feel his warm, soft hand into mine.

It's Isak's watching the sky and whispering, "Even, it's beautiful," looking stunned and adorable. It's me nodding and replying to him, "yes, very beautiful," while never averting my eyes away from him. It's Isak looking back at me and noticing it. It's Isak understanding what I really meant. It's Isak blushing, biting his lower lip, batting his eyelashes at me in shyness. It's Isak's eyes turning dark with desire.

It's me dying to lean and kiss him, to capture his lips, to taste his tongue.

It's me not daring to do it, though, and neither did Isak.

But it's okay. Tonight, Isak was still the most beautiful and breathtaking sight I've ever seen, and now I know. I know he's something precious worth fighting for. Worth being good enough for. Worth getting better for.

And I intend to do _more_ , much more, for him.


	38. Chapter 38




	39. Chapter 39

**DAY 23**

Isak, Jonas and I agreed to travel together to Chiang Rai and so we ended up the next day on a packed bus, driving on a rocky road, further into the North of Thailand.

I'm so relieved. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to Isak again, not when it felt like  _ so much _ could happen but we were still not quite there yet. 

The possibilities. They felt endless. They were scary, too. But for a few more days, I only wanted to focus on the positive. I wanted to focus on Isak.

Isak, who ditched Jonas to sit next to me. Jonas grinned at me over his shoulder when he did, not looking bothered at all, and that's when I realized I probably owed Jonas more than I thought. It's very likely that without him I wouldn't be hoping on this bus in such good company. I wouldn't be spending four to five hours on the bus with Isak's body pressed to mine, and for a while Isak's head cuddled on my shoulder, asleep. 

I was surprised at Isak's ability to fall asleep despite the chaotic state of the road. We kept jumping in our seats, but Isak didn't once move away from me. On the contrary, if he felt himself drift away, he pushed back against me every time, until I took the hint and I wrapped my arm around him, hugging him against me. The sigh he let out when I did made my heart beat so much faster I was afraid he would hear it and wake up.

But he didn't. Instead his hands grabbed my tee-shirt, tight fits holding on to me. 

I wondered a few times whether Isak was really sleeping or just pretending to be, but then I realized I didn't care either way. Because I had Isak's in my arms and it's all that really matters to me.

When we arrived hours later, I woke him up myself by stroking his hair gently, whispering his name, my lips brushing his curls. I wasn't sure how he would react to waking up with my arms around him and his face pillowed on my shoulder, his nose almost pressed in the crook of my neck, that is if he had really been sleeping the whole time. But it went smoothly, like he belonged there and there was nothing more normal than him blinking awake in my arms. He didn't apologize for falling asleep on me. He didn't rush to get up. He took his time, almost like he had no desire leaving the warmth of my body.

"We arrived?" He mumbled, rubbing his eyes with his curled fists, looking absolutely adorable.

"Yes. Chiang Rai, here we are."

He smiled with his eyes still half-closed. "Hm. Good."

"Did you sleep well?" 

"Amazing." 

We locked eyes and stayed there, staring at each other, grinning like idiots, until Jonas yelled at us to hurry up from the entry of the bus. 

The bus was empty. We were the only ones left.

"Okay?" I asked, stroking Isak's shoulder.

"Okay," he said, turning his head until his lips were centimeters away from my hand resting on his shoulder. 

Then he kissed my knuckles. 

And then he got up, throwing a smile at me before running after Jonas.

I gaped at the invisible mark of his lips on my fingers for long seconds, maybe minutes, completely stunned, until the bus driver kicked me out of his bus. When I got off, both Isak and Jonas were staring at me with a smirk.

Oh man. What did I get myself into?


	40. Chapter 40




	41. Chapter 41




	42. Chapter 42




	43. Chapter 43




	44. Chapter 44

**DAY 25**

On our second day in Chiang Rai, leaving the beautiful White Temple behind us, we decided to rent scooters and to drive around the area. Isak had apparently swore not to ever drive one ("don't even try to talk to him about driving a car, it's even worse," Jonas has told me with an amused grin), but after some negotiations, he agreed to get on the back of mine. Jonas' smirk didn't go unnoticed, not by me and certainly not by Isak, but he seemingly decided to ignore his best friend so he could hold on tight to my waist and bury his face between my shoulder blades every time he judged we were driving too fast (we didn't. Even the bicycles were faster than us). 

At some point during the afternoon, we decided to take a short hike into the jungle until we reached a waterfall.

"It's fucking freezing!" Isak yelled the second he put his feet into the water where Jonas and I were already walking, slowly getting deeper although it was, to be perfectly honest, freezing, indeed.

Jonas laughed at his best friend's distress and then fully immersed himself into it. "You're such a baby!"

Isak scowled at him, "I'm not! You two are just crazy!"

I tried not to wince too hard at his choice of word.

"Whatever you say, Issy," Jonas teased him before swimming away from us. At this point, I knew he was doing it on purpose. Often while we were visiting or walking in the streets, Jonas would distance himself, so Isak and I would end up alone. And he always did it with a smile, which meant he wasn't annoyed by our proximity. He genuinely wanted us to spend time on our own, too.

I liked Jonas. I always did, after all, he's been nothing but kind to me since I met him; but my appreciation of him has reached new levels ever since he brought Isak to me in Chiang Mai and then joined me to Chiang Rai.

"I can't do it," Isak said, his tone sounding final, but by now I knew better. I became pretty good at convincing Isak to do things he was reluctant to do at first, no matter if it was tasting a new dish, getting on the back of a scooter with me, or… swimming into a freezing waterfall in the middle of the jungle.

"Of course you can. You're not afraid of water, are you?" I went for the easiest way; that is, provoking Isak's competitive and proud side.

As expected, he huffed. "Afraid of water? Are you serious? I was a motherfucking fish in a previous life. Water is literally a part of me."

I had to bite my lip quite hard to stop myself from laughing. "Really? Wow. Show me your skills then."

Isak knew exactly what I was trying to do, judging by the dark look I got, but his need to prove himself was bigger than his reason, so after taking a deep breath, he dived into the water... only to come out two seconds later with a scream so piercing that all the animals of the forest were probably running away from us as fast as possible.

"Oh my God! What the fuck!"

"Isak," I couldn't help but laugh this time, almost crying from his dramatics. "Isak, calm down, it's going to be okay."

"Fuck this," Isak muttered, and then made a move to walk away and leave the water.

I reached him faster though, grabbed his wrist, and pulled him so hard he fell backwards. In the water. 

On me.

"Even, what the fuck!"

Not thinking twice, I wrapped my arms around him, the way I did that day in the bus, except this time I was pressing my chest against his back, my hands locked together around his belly. And I was expecting Isak to push me away, to fight back, but instead, he finally relaxed and stayed in the water, against me. He let go so completely that soon his head was cuddled against my shoulder again.

"See? It isn't so bad after all," I went back to teasing him, so I wouldn't focus too much on how naked we both were, at the exception of our boxers, and on how _right_ and good it felt to feel his skin against mine without any clothes between us.

"Shut. Up," he replied, but his voice was abnormally soft considering the previous circumstances.

We stayed like this until Jonas got tired of freezing his ass away from us and we all got out of the water to dry ourselves.


	45. Chapter 45




	46. Chapter 46

**DAY 27**

I knew it was coming.

I knew we had 30 days of visa here, and I knew it was coming to an end, meaning our trip in Thailand was coming to an end, too. 

I knew my plan was to go to Cambodia next. I didn't know Isak's and Jonas' plan before tonight, and now that I did, it was clear that those 30 days also meant the end of my shared journey with them. With Isak.

I had reasons, but contrary to the first time we split, these reasons were much more intertwined with what I felt for Isak. 

What I felt for him, precisely, was the main reason why I couldn't follow them to Laos.

"I think I need to finally find what I've been looking for since the beginning of my trip," I told a very sad looking Isak.

Isak wasn't the one who broke the news to me, not really. We had dinner, and Jonas spent the whole time throwing insisting looks at Isak who avoided him and seemed suspiciously guilty. I got the hint before Jonas opened his mouth, but it doesn't mean it didn't hurt a bit when he did.

"You know how we are just a few kilometers away from Laos' borders?" Jonas said all of sudden. I didn't miss the strangled sound Isak made at his words.

"Yes?"

"Ever thought about going to Laos instead of Cambodia?"

I didn't, actually. It wasn't how I planned it all. 

I shaked my head.

"Jonas and I are… We wanted to go there," Isak finally intervenes, but his voice is small and he's barely capable of looking back at me.

He looked miserable, to be honest. Defeated. I realized, he knew my answer already and he had no desire to hear it.

That's when Jonas stood up to pay and then never came back, leaving the both of us alone, once again. This time though, the atmosphere between us was heavy.

That's when I said it. "I think I need to finally find what I've been looking for since the beginning of my trip."

Isak sighed and his expression turned upset.

"What if you never find it?" He asked, his voice strained.

What if, indeed.

"I want to believe that I will."

"And you can only do it alone?"

Probably not. Or at least, not completely. I believed that meeting people along the way would teach me a lot, help me a lot. I would be on my own, relying on myself, but I didn't need to be completely alone, that much I understood now.

But what Isak really wanted to ask is, _can't you do it while being with me?_ And I know the answer. It's a no. I couldn't. I can't. Not right now.

What I feel for Isak, what we feel for each other, is special. It's just the beginning and yet we can both tell it's something big, something important. But it's also too soon considering the headspace I'm in.

If I decided to follow Isak, I would take the easy road. I would get lost in him, in the easy comfort he brought me. And I didn't want that. 

_No_. I want it. Of course I do.

I'm not ready for it though. Not yet. Not before I've proved myself I could be a better version of myself, and on my own.

So in the end, that's why I told Isak, "Yes. On my own, only. At least for a little while."

"So you're not coming?" Isak asked again.

He looked incredibly disappointed. And sad, so sad, it broke my heart.

"I'm not coming," I said and then stood up.

I walked to Isak and he got up, too, confused by my behavior.

I hugged him. I pressed our bodies together and held him tight in my arms, right there. And after a while, Isak buried his face in my neck and hugged me back. We hugged, not caring about the people eating around us. There was only us, the rest of the world disappeared.

I didn't want to leave him. I didn't want to leave what we had, and more especially, what we _could_ have. But I had to. 

And I had faith that once I found what I'm looking for, I could find Isak and never leave him again. 

That's what I needed.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, because, despite it all, I hated how I hurt him.

"Don't be. Do what you have to do," Isak replied, and it almost made me turn my head to kiss him.

He was perfect.

"It's not a goodbye."

"Okay," Isak nodded, but he didn't sound very convinced, so I stepped back and took his face into my hands.

"It's not a goodbye," I repeated firmly, staring at him straight in the eye. His beautiful, green, sad eyes.

Isak let out of a sigh. "Okay. It's not a goodbye." It was a bit better, a bit more hopeful.

I kissed his forehead, still not caring about anything and anyone else but him, and Isak pulled me back into a hug.

We hugged for a very long time.


	47. Chapter 47




	48. Chapter 48




	49. Chapter 49




	50. Chapter 50

**DAY 31**

Today, I saw the famous Angkor's temples.

It's been a long and hot and exhausting day, but it was worth it. It was incredible to walk around such remarkable old temples - temples that I've seen so many times in movies. The sunrise was beautiful, with its shades of purple and orange in the sky. It was worth getting up so early in the morning.

And on top of everything, it's been quite a fun day of sharing a tuk-tuk with two German guys I met last night around my hostel's swimming-pool. Although they were - are - a couple, I didn't feel like I was third-wheeling at all. 

Yesterday, I fell asleep on my sunbed, and when I woke up, two guys were settling into the sunbed next to mine, speaking vividly in a foreign language I recognized as being German. They seemed to be fighting, although jokingly, over who got to lean his back against the chair. I glanced at them in amusement, not for too long, but apparently long enough to attract the attention of one of them.

"Oh, hi. Sorry for waking you up," he said to me in English.

"No problem," I smiled. 

"Is the hostel good? We just arrived."

"I just arrived too, to be honest." 

"Oh, cool. I'm David," he introduced himself and extended his hand. 

I shook his hand in return. "I'm Even." 

Then I saw him nudge the other guy, who's been busy making a mess with the water of his flask. "Huh? Oh. Hey. I'm Matteo."

"Nice to meet you both," I nodded, and meant it. It was the first time I was actually interacting with other travellers from a hostel I was staying in. It was also the first time I was meeting people after Isak and Jonas. It felt quite nice.

"Where are you from?" David asked me.

"I'm from Norway. And you?" 

"Germany." Of course. "Are you travelling alone?"

"Yep. Just me and my backpack."

David chuckled. Matteo leaned over him to speak to me. "That's awesome, dude."

"Yeah, I guess. Is it the two of you or do you have other friends here?"

"Nope. The two of us. Couple backpacking trip," Matteo explained. David threw him a look before directing his attention back on me. 

I smiled. "That sounds pretty cool too."

David relaxed and grinned back at me. "It is. Are you visiting Angkor tomorrow?" I nodded. "Hey, maybe we could share a tuk-tuk? Some people we met before told us it was the best way to do it, because of the heat and the distance between the different sites."

Obviously, I agreed.

That's how I spent my day wandering around old temples and sharing a tuk-tuk with two wild German guys, speaking about art and photography with David, and laughing at Matteo's funny stories. We ate dinner together before heading back to the hostel. We agreed to meet again tomorrow for breakfast. Just like me, they are planning to spend a few days in the city, Siem Reap, so we have plenty of time to explore. Sometimes together, sometimes not. I'm fine with it. I'm excited for what's coming next.

So it's been a good day. A very good day. My trip is finally starting to look like what I had in mind all along. Although, despite it all, I miss Isak - I really do.

But it's okay. I truly believe I will see him again. In the meantime, I'm okay with missing him. He's more than worth it.


	51. Chapter 51




	52. Chapter 52




	53. Chapter 53




	54. Chapter 54

**DAY 42**

Everything is great these days.

If it wasn't for Isak staying on my mind most of the time (which isn't a bad thing at all), everything would be perfect.

I keep meeting people who come and go, and I'm fine with it. I have time for me and time to explore, and I also have time to socialize. And sometimes, meeting someone new feels more important and decisive than usual. You start to talk to this stranger but somehow it isn't awkward and unsure, and you can tell right away that meeting this person is going to mean something more for you. 

Like with Isak.

Or like this morning, when I met a Latvian girl named Laura.

I was taking breakfast on my own while going through a travel book in the hope of finding new ideas. I've been trying to change my plans, to improvise more, now that I feel way more confident with myself.

Laura took the seat in front of me and immediately started a conversation. This is something I love about travelling and staying in hostels: it's perfectly normal to greet and talk to complete strangers. It isn't considered rude, not like back at home. It's like there is this unspoken agreement that here, we are all part of the same group.

We exchanged banalities for a little while, introducing ourselves and speaking briefly about our impression on Phnom Penh - we heard a lot of bad things about it but we both actually liked it fair enough -, before Laura pointed at the travel book I had in my hands.

"So where are you planning to go next?"

"I actually have no idea."

"I'm guessing you did Siem Reap already?"

I had no idea how she knew but I nodded anyway. 

"It was great, isn't it? Seeing the Angkor temples has been one of my dreams for years," she said with a dreamy smile. 

"So you're coming from there too?"

"Yes. And I'm thinking of going South tomorrow."

"What's South?"

"The islands. I'm not necessarily a huge fan of it but I heard Koh Rong Samloem island is a good alternative to the usual party island. I need a break to relax."

It felt a bit like a déjà-vu. Except this time, I wasn't so much against the idea, for I trust myself more than I ever did before. I could take care of myself. I could take a risk. I could even end up in a hostel with people drinking and partying and not necessary having to get shitfaced myself. It wasn't fair to myself to keep forbidding myself things on no ground other than being too used to not trusting myself, and having people not trusting me either - like Sonja, once upon a time.

So that's why I said, "it sounds very nice, actually. Koh Rong Samloem, right?"

Laura smiled. "Right. Are you thinking about it?"

"Maybe. I thought I would avoid that kind of places but now I'm changing my mind."

"I get it." She leaned over the table. "What about this: let's have lunch or dinner together later, I will convince you for good. And then, you will be leaving on the first bus tomorrow with me."

I chuckled. "Oh, I will, really?"

She nodded, sure of herself. "Absolutely."

I liked her. 

So I made my decision right then, although I didn't mention it and followed her for lunch and then a walk in the city in the afternoon and finally dinner again.

Tomorrow, I will take a bus with her, too. I'm done being scared of myself.


	55. Chapter 55




	56. Chapter 56




	57. Chapter 57

**DAY 45**

Isak has been weird for a few days, distant and cold, and I can't pinpoint why.

Maybe he got bored of me, of waiting for me. I don't blame me, although the idea is making me sick. 

I don't want to lose him. I  _ can't  _ lose him without knowing for sure what's between us.

My mind clouded by dark thoughts, I was sitting on the beach when Laura found me. She looked a bit tipsy but she was sober enough to notice something was up and so she didn't tiptoe around it.

"What's on your mind that keeps you from having fun?"

We talked a lot in the past few days but so far, I never mentioned Isak to her. But tonight it seemed like an inevitable thing to do.

So, "someone," I said.

"Ha! Of course it's someone."

She didn't add anything, waited for me to continue and so I did. "Someone I met weeks ago. We travelled a bit together, we got very close and- it felt right, you know? It felt important. But I ran away and now I'm scared he's getting sick of my bullshit." 

"Why did you run away?" 

"I didn't trust myself. I knew I would lose myself in him and I wasn't ready for it. I came here to prove myself that I was more than… something in my head that has been messing with me and that I can't control. I'm only now starting to feel better about myself. Back then, it was just… too soon."

"Too scary?"

"Maybe. Maybe a bit, too."

"But now, what do you feel? For him, I mean. Are you ready?"

I considered it for a while, and then I nodded. "I think so."

"Then go for it! What's stopping you?"

"I ran away and now he's not here anymore?"

"Bullshit. Don't think about the past. It wasn't meant to be back then? Alright, now let's move on. Maybe you were supposed to leave to find him again later."

"You speak as if it's fate of something."

"Well, don't you believe in fate?"

"Not really. I like to believe we are all writing our own stories, that we are the directors of our own lives, not that everything is already set in the stone."

"If you believe that, then it's even easier."

"How so?"

"It means it's up to you and you only to find him. It's your decision."

She was right. I hated how right she was and how much sense it made.

Except...

"Well, it's my decision but it's also his. And I'm not sure it's still something he wants."

"What makes you think that?"

"He's been weird in the last few days."

"How so? What happened?"

"I don't know! He was surprised I would stay on an island because I always avoided it, then I told him you talked me into it and here I am."

Laura looked at me for a long time before letting out a huff. "Tell me you're not that oblivious."

"What?"

"You dumbass. He's jealous. Insecure. Whatever you want to call it. You two have a thing but it's not a done deal and then you start talking about you following some random girl on an island? Come on!"

"I… what? But he's on my mind all the time. He's all I'm thinking about."

She chuckled. "Yeah but how is he supposed to know that?"

I couldn't find a proper answer. I was so stupid.

"Listen, Even. You came here to prove yourself you can be in control of your own destiny? Then do it. Tell him I'm nothing. Tell him he's everything. Tell him love has no borders or whatever sappy shit you want. Speak. Make him promises you will keep because you, Even, is the director of your own life."

I was speechless. And impressed.

"What is good? I feel like it was a good speech," she joked.

"It was… a great speech. Perfect."

"Thank you," she said with a smut grin. I laughed.

"No, thank  _ you _ ."

She shrugged it off. 

We watched the waves crashing on the beach while I took in everything she said. I needed to talk to Isak. I needed to take control.

From the corner of my eye, I noticed her throwing glances behind her. When I took a look out of curiosity, I noticed another girl watching us.

I smirked. "I think someone's waiting for you, too."

"Hm? No idea what you're talking about." She feigned ignorance but then broke into a smile.

"Yeah, right."

"Whatever. Do some thinking, call your boy and then join us. You need to try their milkshakes, they are killing it!"

She stood up and winked at me before joining the girl and disappearing with her.

Without wasting any more time, I took my phone and opened my Whatsapp conversation with Isak.


	58. Chapter 58




	59. Chapter 59




	60. Chapter 60

_ -Phone call to Isak- _

**Isak?**

Even! It's you!

_ *Even laughs*  _ **Yes it's me. How are you feeling?**

Better now! I like your voice!

**It's sweet. Thanks. I'm happy to hear you too.**

Even, listen. I have a question.

**Yes?**

Do you like someone? Like-like someone?

_ *Even hesitates, they stay silent for a few seconds*  _ **Hm, yes. I do. I like someone.**

Is it the girl?

**What?**

_ *Isak seems sad*  _ Is it the girl you met? Do you like her? Is it what you were looking for?

_ *Even sounds surprised, and almost panicked*  _ **No! Isak, not at all. It's not her. It's not like that.**

Not like that?

**Yeah, she's a friend. Just a friend. We talk and she helps me sort things out. She gave me good advices. But that's it, okay?**

_ *Isak sighs in relief*  _ So she's like Eskild.

**Eskild?**

Yeah, he does those things for me. He says he's my gay guru. He helped me, too. He also gives me advices but they usually suck. Don't tell him though.

_ *Even chuckles*  _ **I see. Then I guess she's my pan guru** .

Nice! So you don't like her?

**No, I don't. It's not her.**

Good.

_ *Even grins*  _ **Good?**

Yep. You're mine.

_ *Even laughs and teases him*  _ **Oh now I'm yours, huh?**

What?

**You said I'm yours.**

I didn't say anything. It wasn't me.

**You're such a shit liar.**

_ *They both laugh _ *

Even?

**Yes?**

Where are you going next?

**Hmm… Vietnam I think? I mean, yes, Vietnam.**

Okay.

**Okay?**

Maybe we will run into each other again there.

**Could we?**

I'm flying back home from Hanoi next month. So I'm going to Vietnam, too.

**Oh. It's good.** _ *Even hesitates. He wants to tell Isak more, gives him more, promises him they will see each other again, but Isak is drunk and Even's boldness is fading. Does he want to be the director of his own life or does he want to trust fate?*  _ **Isak?**

Yes?

_ *He pauses. He sighs*  _ **Nothing. I just wanted to hear your voice.**

Oh. Then let's talk. So I can hear your voice and you can hear mine.

_*Even smiles while looking at the ocean, trying to picture Isak in another country, on the phone with him, smiling too*_ **It's a great idea. Let's talk.**


	61. Chapter 61




	62. Chapter 62




	63. Chapter 63

**DAY 54**

I've been in Vietnam for four days now and I finally got news from Isak. I was on a bus to Ho Chi Minh City when he told me he would most likely be unable to contact me for a few days, as Jonas was dragging him on a trek in the jungle where signal was non-existent. 

It's been the longest four days of my life. I had time to walk around HCMC, enjoying it and then get tired of being in a huge city, book a bus ticket for my next stop - another unexpected one -, Mui Né, a small city known for his dunes, his beaches and his fishing village. 

It's been long but Isak was back, with a casual,  _ hey Even! I'm back from the jungle! _

It shouldn't make me as happy as it did. But it sure did.

Then, I arrived at Mui Né and easily found my hostel for the next few days, a simple and relaxed place right in front of the ocean. It wasn't the kind of place me from two months ago would have stayed at, and that's why I picked it, and why I was so happy about it. I have changed - and I loved how much I could feel I did.

I was waiting to check-in when a blonde girl sat right in front of me and offered me a bright smile.

"Hi! Wow! You're so tall!" She exclaimed. She had an accent but I couldn't tell from where.

I couldn't hold back a laugh at her words. "I guess I am."

To be fair, she didn't seem to be very tall herself.

"You just arrived?"

"Yes. I'm waiting for my bed."

"Nice! You will like it here. I'm Engel," she introduced herself, still grinning.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Even."

She was about to start talking again when another girl joined us, taking the spot beside Engel. She glanced at me quickly before focusing on Engel.

"It's booked. Tomorrow morning, 5AM."

"It's so early," Engel whined.

"Well, yeah, if you want to see the sunrise it's how early you have to show up," the other girl explained with an amused smile. She didn't sound patronizing although she was pointing out the obvious.

Engel huffed before changing subject. "This is Even, he just arrived!"

"Oh. Sorry. Hi. I'm Liv," she looked at me. She didn't have an obvious accent, I noted.

"It's okay. Where are you from?"

"The Netherlands. You?"

"Norway."

"So we are almost neighbours!" Engel pointed out with enthusiasm. I laughed. Liv smiled.

"Almost, yeah."

"We were about to grab something to eat. Wanna join?" Engel suggested. Beside her, Liv nodded in agreement.

"Yeah. Sure. I just need to check-in and drop my bad before though."

"No problem, we can wait!"

"Thanks. What are you doing tomorrow morning?"

"Sunrise at the dunes. You know, the white and red dunes? You can book a seat and they take you there," Liv clarified.

I barely had time to nod before Engel stepped in, "Even! You should join us, it would be fun. And it's a must-do here!"

I chuckled again at her excitement. Liv glanced at her with eyes filled of… fondness? Yes, it sounded right.

"Sure, good idea. I will ask for my bed again and then ask for tomorrow, too."

"Awesome! We will wait for you here," Engel promised.

Two seconds later she was cuddling against Liv who kissed her head in return. 

I smiled to myself. Then I messaged Isak I got to my new hostel in one piece. 

His answer came a moment later.


	64. Chapter 64




	65. Chapter 65




	66. Chapter 66

**DAY 56**

I was taking breakfast - cheese toasts because I missed food from home sometimes - while waiting for Isak to message me back. Two nights ago, we called each other and talked for almost two hours. And then, the next day, I couldn't get a hold on him. Chances were he was once again in an area where it was difficult to have signal, but it didn't help with the fact I worried. And missed him - always.

So here I was, eating cheese toasts and thinking about him, trying to enjoy the sun and the still bearable temperature of the morning, waiting for Engel and Liv or any person I met here to show up and maybe distract my mind for a bit.

I checked once again my phone, only to end up sighing at the cruel absence of notifications on my screen, when I heard someone take a seat on the other side of the table, right in front of me. 

"Hey, are the cheese toasts any good here?" The person asked in English and I frowned because I couldn't place the voice, although it sounded very much familiar. But something was… off.

I gave up on my phone and looked up.

_ What the fuck _ .

It was Isak. It was Isak, in flesh and blood, sitting right in front of me with a wide smile, skin particularly sunkissed with his white shirt, curls shining under the morning ray of sunshine. He was beautiful. He was perfect. He was  _ here _ , right in front of me!

And taken over by surprise and disbelief, I couldn't even move, couldn't jump off the bench and run to hug him. I remained frozen, staring at him. The only part of my body I could will to move was my arm, and I used it to reach my sunglasses and take them off my eyes, as if to check that it wasn't a prank or a weird trick coming from my goddamn sunglasses.

It made Isak giggle, his gentle and endearing laugh resonating to my ears and proving me it was as real as it could get.

_ Isak was really here! _

"Good morning, Even," he said with a smug smile, clearly happy with the effect his surprise had on me.

"I- Hi. But- What. Isak.  _ How?" _

I was, to say the least, a mess.

He chuckled, still delighted and amused by my reaction, and then stood up from the bench. I watched him in awe, watched him slowly walking around the table and sliding on the bench I was sitting on, getting closer and closer to me. 

My heart started pounding inside my chest, a physical reaction to having so suddenly Isak near me. He stopped, sitting right beside me, but body turned so we would be face to face. I couldn't do anything else but look at him, mesmerized by this amazing, surprising boy.

"You alright?" He asked, and while he did, one of his hands travelled towards mine. His fingertips grazed the back of my hand and my breath hitched. 

"I'm… fine?" I answered but even to my ears it sounded like a question. Isak snorted, before he stole my sunglasses from my hand and put them on instead.

He looked stunning in it. Obviously.

"You're gorgeous," I said out loud, meaning the glasses but also, everything else - his new suntan skin, his teasing smile, his golden curls and his bright green eyes. 

I didn't regret my words one bit when I noticed how Isak's confident appearance crumbled down and he immediately turned into a blushing mess.

"I-" He started but stopped when he heard how high-pitched his voice sounded. He cleared his throat. "Hm, thanks?"

"You're welcome," I smirked. My own confidence was coming back, finally. "Care to tell me how is it possible you're sitting here right in front of me when you're supposed to be in Laos?"

Isak put on his smut face again. "Well, I obviously left Laos without telling you "

"That much I gathered."

"Without Jonas," he added and I arched an eyebrow. 

"Oh?"

"Yep. He went straight to the North of Vietnam because apparently he has lots of plans for this area. I knew you were in the South so… I decided to join you. Surprise you."

"You surprised me, that's for sure," I laughed lightly. Almost made me question my current sanity, actually.

Isak looked very proud of himself. "That's what I was hoping for."

"But how did you find me?"

"Remember when I disappeared for a so-called trek? Well it's actually how long it took me to make up my mind and find a way out of Laos, and then to Vietnam. It was chaotic and it was a lot of hours in buses, trust me." I could imagine. There was no straight road, especially if Isak and Jonas have been outside of the major cities. "Anyway. I arrived in Ho Chi Minh City, but you were already leaving for somewhere else. So we called each other, and I managed to make you say the name of the place you were staying at in Mui Né. I ran after you."

"Wow. All these efforts… for me?" I couldn't stop myself from thinking out loud.

Isak's features soften. "Of course, for you. It was so worth it."

_ This boy _ . He deserved everything good in this world.

"You're amazing," I told him openly. His cheeks turned pink again, but his eyes settled on my lips and that's suddenly all I could focus on, too.

When he looked up at me with a question in his eyes, I felt myself nodding eagerly, and so he leaned slowly just like I did, until our faces were a breath apart and-

"Hi! Good morning!" Engel exclaimed with her usual enthusiasm, sitting on the other side of the table.

We both recoiled in a hurry. Isak glanced at her with the most grumpy, pissed off face I've ever seen on him. Engel didn't notice anything. Actually, she didn't look like she interrupted us on purpose at all. She had a bowl in her hands - something with yogurt and fruits - and her eyes were fixed on it as she sat carefully on the bench. Only then did she look up and smiled at us.

"Oh, hi! I'm Engel," she told Isak, who hesitated, still quite frustrated, before introducing himself nonetheless.

"Isak. Even's…" He paused. Glanced at me in panic. Then decided to avoid my eyes. I didn't have time to say anything to reassure him, though, because Liv joined us.

"Engel," she called with wide eyes. 

"What?"

She didn't say anything else, just stared pointedly at Engel. I had no idea from where Liv was coming from but, contrary to Engel, she seemed to have gotten a glimpse of Isak and I almost… Kiss? (Oh my God!) 

Eventually, Engel looked up at the both of us and that's when, judging by her expression, she realized her mistake. 

"Oh. Oups. Sorry."

I laughed, because it was physically impossible to be mad at her anyway. Even Isak started to relax beside me, letting go of his frustration.

They could catch up later. Isak was here and I wasn't going anywhere without him, not anymore.

Under the table, I felt Isak's knee pressing against mine, like maybe he could read my mind and was thinking the same. I smiled to myself and pressed back against him.

The past month has been great, but right at this moment, I was the happiest I've ever been.


	67. Chapter 67




	68. Chapter 68




	69. Chapter 69




	70. Chapter 70

**DAY 58**

Spending entire days again with Isak is heaven. That's the only word I can think of that seems close enough to describe how it feels like. Heaven.

We take breakfast together, we lie on the beach together, we walk in the small town together, we get lost in the local market together, we try new food together, we visit together and we wait for the Happy Hour together. We are not always alone together, of course, for we spend time with Engel and Liv, but also quite a few other people from the hostel. But even so, we barely leave each other's side. 

The thing is, us being together feels natural. Despite almost a month apart, it doesn't feel like we are reconnecting after a break. Being here with him, it's just another chapter in our story, another step in our common journey. A continuity. We got closer and closer while travelling together but also while we weren't. So now, we are not relearning anything. We fell back straight away into comfortable grounds, because truth to be told, it has never stopped being easy between us.

The only small change is the obvious event from the first day Isak arrived, the day he surprised me: our almost kiss. We both know what almost happened and we both know that the other knows. It shows in the looks we exchange and the smiles we share. And it's thrilling. Because nothing is stopping us to take the next step, except we both seem to enjoy the tension, the flirting, the inevitability of it all despite the slow, positively torturous pace we are taking for the fun of it. For the teasing and the longing.

Like today, when we decided to explore a place called the "Fairy Springs", a long water stream where we can easily walk in on foot, surrounded by trees and cliffs, in shades of white to orange sand, sometimes almost red. It does look quite enchanting.

"I see no fairies though," I joked just for the pleasure of seeing Isak roll his eyes at me.

"What a surprise," he jibed me.

I took a step towards him and grabbed him by the waist, wrapping an arm around him to hold him in place against me while my free hand came to tickle him. I've discovered that Isak was ticklish the day before and I had no remorse using this information as payback. 

It's also a good enough excuse to initiate physical contact. Although Isak hates it, it's clear he's figured out the real reason behind it, too.

"Fuck off, Even!" He yelped at me, trying to get away from my touch, but giggles bursted out of him anyway. I stopped but didn't let go of him, kept my arm around him and he didn't make a single move to get away either.

And it would have been so easy to just lean in and kiss him right there. To back him against a tree, cradle his face into my hands and kiss him senseless. It would have been, but I didn't, and he didn't either. Because apparently, we are stupid enough to keep the teasing going, curious enough to wait and see who's going to yield first.

"Maybe you're the fairy. You're cute enough to be one," I said and this time Isak was the one seeking revenge, by elbowing me in the stomach. It wasn't meant to hurt though, so I just laughed at him, at myself, at us.

"I will drown you if you don't shut up, Even, I swear!"

"Drown me? In what?" I grinned like the lovesick puppy I am.

"See this?" He pointed at the low stream we had our feet in. "That's water."

"Jerk," I huffed, still smiling. "You think you can drown me in this?"

"I can do whatever I want." It was true, so I didn't fight him on it.

"Alright. Then do it," I challenged him. I brought my face so close to his that our noses grazed. I could feel his breath on my lips. I saw the way his cheeks turned a shade redder. I smirked. "If you do, would you mind giving me mouth-to-mouth to bring me back to life?"

Isak turned into a full blushing mess and groaned. He tried to push me back, all fluttered, but I used my arm still hugging him to fight back.

We both ended up with our asses in the water, giggling like complete idiots, wet and ridiculous but happy. So happy.

Soon, very soon, I would kiss him. But it could wait another day or two.


	71. Chapter 71




	72. Chapter 72




	73. Chapter 73

**DAY 60**

Sometimes, travelling is also about taking your time. It's spending a day off, enjoying the idyllic weather although it's technically almost winter. It's lying on a beach for hours next to a beautiful boy. It's only getting up to swim in the ocean - with said beautiful boy, always - and holding on to each other as if neither of you can float without touching the other in one way or the other. It's talking with random people from the hostel you just met and then going on a food trip with them.

It's living in the present. It's enjoying the present.

It's also sitting around a fire at night, with Isak, Engel, Liv and all the other travellers we've met lately. It's Liv getting a guitar from the hostel bar and playing music to us, singing to us. It's Isak trying to prove he knows how to rap and everybody being kind enough not to mention how terrible it actually is. It's Engel suggesting we could play games, and so that's what we did for hours - card games, drinking games, all of them.

It's not going to bed. It's staying up all night, not because I'm wasted, but simply because life is good and life is fun so why falling asleep? Isak is slightly tipsy and he spends half the night with his head on my shoulder, the same way he did a month ago on the first bus we took together.

It's good. It's almost perfect.

We were sitting on the sand when it got perfect.

At some point during the night, some went to bed, some others found seats and talked quietly. Isak and I have been surrounded with people for quite some time now, so I took a chance and suggested we took a walk on the beach. We ended up sitting on the sand, with the sound of the waves in the background, talking for hours, talking for forever, until the darkness fed away and the sky turned red. We watched the sunrise together and I secretly hoped it would only be the first of many others in the future.

"It's the most peaceful all-nighter I've ever pulled," Isak said after we stayed silent for a while, our eyes staring at the warm horizon, the side of our bodies almost pressed together. "Usually I'm either completely wasted or going through another insomnia episode. But this one, now, it's… It's different."

_ Peaceful _ .  _ Different _ . Isak was absolutely right. 

My own sleepless nights were nothing like now, too. They were rushed, loud and too bright or hollow, lonely and never-ending. It never left me with the same kind of serene, fulfilling feeling I had right now. It never made me wish the moment would straight out longer, perhaps forever.

"It's good, right?" I murmured, like scared to disturb the stillness of the moment.

Isak turned his head away from the sunrise to look at me, and met my eyes, as I've already been watching him for a while. His skin had a beautiful, special glow under the warm sunlights of the dawn, his curls seemed extra brighter and softer, his eyes were shining - I found him a much better sight than the sunrise itself. 

Our faces were inches away from each other, and I could feel his uneven breath caressing my cheek. We were so close, it would just take from me to lean just the slightest bit to close the distance and meet his lips. Perfection was sitting right in front of me, waiting for me. I was almost dizzy from it.

"It's good," Isak whispered back and then his eyes flickered to my mouth. I forgot what he was referring to. It didn't matter anymore.

I wasn't going for good. I was aiming for perfection, and so I went for it.

My hand found his jawline, cradling his face into it as tenderly as possible. Isak's eyelids fluttered closed instantly, as if he couldn't help it, but he fought back to open his eyes again and look up at me. What I found in them almost made me lose my mind: fondness, wonder, eagerness... and craving. Want.

I tilted my head to the side and kissed him.

His lips were soft and shy at first, welcoming me but not asking for more than what I was filling to give. So our lips brushed together, once, twice, before we pulled back just enough to share a look, to ask a silent question. And then we both dove back in again, mouths crashing a bit more hungrily this time. 

I brushed his cheek with my thumb before pressing into it, so I could taste him the way I've been longing for. I felt how Isak's hands found my body, grabbing my shirt to pull me closer to him, and so I did. 

I wrapped my other arm around him and deepened the kiss, tongues embracing, a bit too wet and a bit too messy from our enthusiasm - but none of us cared about coordination. I wanted Isak and clearly, he wanted me just as much, and it was all that mattered.

We moved our heads, tried new angles, brushed our noses together on the way. When we got too breathless to keep going, we calmed down but never completely separated, until we were ready or too impatient not to do it again. 

I dropped kisses along Isak's lower lip and then swallowed his giggles. It turned into butterflies once in my stomach.

This, right here, was what perfect felt like.


	74. Chapter 74




	75. Chapter 75

**DAY 61**

We sneaked in my dormitory around 7, when some people were already getting up. Most were still fast asleep though, so we took the risk, although I had to convince Isak to break the rules.

"Even, see this sign? It says one person equals one bed, and we have to sleep in our assigned bed. No exception or we are getting kicked out," Isak protested after I asked him to come to bed with me and refused to let go of his hand. I was a bit high on his kisses, to be honest.

I chuckled. "What happened to give up control? Fuck the rules."

He rolled his eyes at me. "Even. I don't want to end up on the streets."

"You're so dramatic!" I decided to play dirty and pressed a kiss in his neck. "What about this sign then: no sex in the dormitory."

Isak squirmed and turned into a blushing mess, although he tried to glare at me. "We are  _ not _ doing anything but sleeping. This is so disrespectful."

I agreed but he didn't need to know that. " _ Fine. _ So just sleeping. Let's go."

I pulled on his hand and dragged him to my dormitory cabin. Isak didn't resist until we arrived at the door.

"Wait! What if the staff sees us in a few hours?"

"We are taking a nap. Whatever. And we are staying hidden behind the mosquito net. It's safe."

"You realize it's bullshit, right? The mosquito net is barely hiding anything."

"Really?" I smiled.

Isak huffed, but instead of arguing, he opened the door and got inside. I followed more than happily.

It got a bit awkward when we stopped in front of the quite narrow bed and realized it was the moment we had to undress. Isak seemed to be waiting for me to make a move, so I did, after all it was technically my bed. I could feel Isak's eyes on me as I got rid of everything I was wearing except my boxers - with the heat that's the only way we could sleep - and then opened the mosquito net for us to crawl inside. 

I sat on the edge and watched Isak get undressed in return, wondering what would happen if we dropped the dormitories for a while and went for some private room. Isak was the best sight I've ever seen and looking at him made me grow more and more eager to have him all to myself and- I stopped my thoughts before it got too far, it was definitely not the right time. Signs and people and all that.

"How are we supposed to fit the two of us in this bed?" Isak asked, smiling, although he looked a bit shy.

He had a good point but I wasn't about to declare defeat. "Come here."

I laid down on the mattress, pressed against the wall, and took Isak's hand to guide him next to me. Turned out we didn't exactly fit, but no surprise there, so I wrapped an arm around Isak's shoulder and drew him half on top of me. It didn't help with the heat of the room - fans couldn't do miracles - but being so close to him felt too good to change our minds now and separate. Isak went willingly and soon he was snuggling up in the crook of my neck. I could feel his slow breathing skimming my skin below my chin and his curls tickling my ear; and I thought,  _ that's something I would love to get used to _ . 

"Okay?" I whispered.

Isak hummed. He sounded half-asleep already, except for the quick peck he pressed in my neck before cuddling even closer to me. I loved all of it. I couldn't stop myself from grinning like an idiot.

But after all, I had the boy of my dreams in my bed, in my arms, taking a nap with me, and for the first time, we didn't have a deadline. We were together and we were going to stay together for as long as we wanted to be. I couldn't ask for anything more. 

I fell asleep listening to Isak's breathing.


	76. Chapter 76




	77. Chapter 77




	78. Chapter 78

**DAY 65**

Isak and I took a 14 hours night bus to get to Hoi An. It was by far the wildest thing we've ever done. Hopping on a flight for the other side of the world was nothing compared to Vietnamese night buses, with too small bunks for our long legs and crazy drivers who honk for pretty much everything and anything every two seconds. The major downside though, was that there were single bunks so we couldn't spend the ride next to each other, but we still managed to sit - or lay - at close proximity to one another. 

Yes, we were  _ that _ desperate.

We arrived in Hoi An in the early morning and took a short walk to a hostel Liv and Engel recommended to us. We were running on little hours of sleep considering our wild night, but we got a nice breakfast and then found the energy to explore the town while waiting to check-in. We went for a dormitory again because we didn't talk about other options, but I did check and learnt that everything else was booked anyway in that specific hostel.

I still took the time to look for other places, just in case Isak would feel like having some privacy.  _ Right _ .

The city is beautiful. It's colorful, full of flowers and lanterns and small barges. It's romantic, too, and although neither Isak nor me seem to be the very cheesy kind, I'm still surprising myself thinking it's quite nice to be walking the narrow streets of the old town with him. We visited temples and ancestral houses, explored markets to buy food - Bánh mì sandwiches, Cao Lau noodles soup or Bánh bột lọc prawn raviolis, all of these dishes delicious -, sat around beers or bubble teas. The most memorable time though is at night, when the streets and the water come alive, illuminated by hundreds of candles and lanterns. In the crowd, I took Isak's hand and didn't let go before we got back to the hostel. 

There, we kissed until we got interrupted by other roommates. I didn't miss Isak's grumpy look and resigned sigh.

So I waited for him to go to bed to make a decision. A good decision - hopefully.


	79. Chapter 79




	80. Chapter 80




	81. Chapter 81




	82. Chapter 82




	83. Chapter 83




	84. Chapter 84




	85. Chapter 85

**DAY 70**

We arrived in Tam Coc after another never-ending bus journey. Isak is stressed, no matter how much he tries to deny it and it clearly has something to do with Jonas' mysterious surprise. Apparently Isak doesn't do well with surprises.

We crash for a few hours after getting to the hostel in the early morning, taking a nap in the hostel's garden hammocks. But we are woken up quite brutally by someone's yelling at us around 10. Or more like, someone's  _ whining  _ at Isak.

"ISAK! You're finally here! I missed you so much bro! Come gimme a hug!"

"What the fuck," I hear Isak say as he sits back up in a hurry and almost falls from the hammock.

I have to squint extra hard to get a proper glimpse of the guy, with the sun being right in front of us. After a while, I can make out a tall, blond, bear-looking guy - although, the bear-looking part has more to do with the fact he just grabbed Isak and pulled him into a bone crushing hug, indifferent to Isak's protests.

"Magnus! I can't breathe!"

"Magnus, get off him," someone intervenes and this time the voice is familiar to me. It's Jonas. Who's walking towards us with another guy at his side.

Magnus actually lets go, but only because he seems to find a new interest in… well, me, gawking at me.

"Move out of the way, Mags. Let me say hi," the other mysterious guy says before giving a side-hug to Isak, who welcomes him with way less reluctance than he did with Magnus' over-the-top hug.

"What- But- The fuck," Isak stutters, eyes wide. "Jonas?!"

His best friend chuckles. "Surprise!"

"How did you guys end up here?!" He then asks his two other friends.

His remaining unnamed friend snorts. "We took a flight."

"No kidding," Isak rolls his eyes. "But I thought you said you didn't have money. Why didn't you say you were coming?!"

"We didn't have enough money two months ago but we worked magic and now here we are for a couple of weeks!"

"And we were planning on telling you but you went missing for days," Magnus adds with a pout. Right. Isak and I might have gotten a bit carried away lately and basically ignored the rest of the world. "So we only told Jonas and then I was dying to see your face when we showed up unannounced!"

Isak laughs, but he still looks tense, and I don't understand  _ why _ until all eyes turn on me. I get off the hammock, finally, but then I'm struggling to find the right words. How am I supposed to introduce myself? Last time I checked, Jonas was the only person who knew about me. About Isak and I.

"Hm. Hi. I'm Even."

Magnus takes a step and shakes my hand with a wide smile. "You're so hot, damn! So you're the guy Isak has dumped Jonas for?"

I blink. Try to glance at Isak but he's avoiding my eyes. Open my mouth but close it barely seconds after.  _ What am I supposed to say to that?! _

"He didn't dump me," Jonas rectifies, always our savior. "We wanted to see and do different things. We met Even a while ago so he travelled with him for a bit. It's just how it went."

"That's chill," the other guy nods, and then offers me his hand to shake. "I'm Mahdi by the way."

"Nice to meet you."

That's when it hits me: I just met all of Isak's best friends, his "boy squad" he told me so much about. I've got stories on all of them, but they probably don't know a single thing about me. It's weird.

Once again, I try to meet Isak's eyes but he's too busy trying to make himself as small as possible. 

And it only gets worse when Magnus asks, "yo, Isak! When Jonas said you were travelling with someone else for a little while, I thought you found a hot girl. I mean, not that Even isn't hot, because he is." I hold back a laugh. "But he isn't a girl." At that, Isak shrinks on himself even more, and it almost breaks my heart.

"Very good observation, Mags," Jonas huffs. If he looked excited when he first came with their friends, now he seems to feel guilty. Regretful. He's probably noticing how uncomfortable Isak is as much as I do. "How about we let Isak breathe for a second and we find a table? I'm starving. It's time for breakfast."

Magnus and Mahdi cheer in agreement and follow Jonas further away in the dining area, forgetting about everything but the evocation of breakfast. And despite Jonas' gracious gesture, I don't have time to say a word to Isak, because he keeps his head low and runs away in the direction of the bathrooms.

I guess I'm starting to hate surprises too.


	86. Chapter 86




	87. Chapter 87




	88. Chapter 88




	89. Chapter 89




	90. Chapter 90

**DAY 74**

It actually became kind of a game for Isak and I, to sneak around and find spots to make out in secret. Judging by Jonas' smirk and sometimes roll of eyes, he wasn't blind to our stratagem at all, but Magnus and Mahdi seemed to be oblivious enough - which, to be honest, baffled me because we were getting more and more reckless and therefore less subtle everytime we disappeared together. But so far, it's been working pretty well.

That is, until our game came to an abrupt end earlier tonight.

We'd just spent twenty minutes kissing in a toilet stall like two horny teenagers when we finally decided to get out of it, trying to fix our messy clothes. Isak's face was all red, his lips swollen and his pupils blown, and I was fairly certain my state wasn't much better. 

That's probably why Isak told me with a barely contained smirk, "you're a mess."

" _ You _ 're a mess," I retorted, and since we were all alone in the bathroom, I took a step and grabbed him by the waist to drag him against my body again. He went willingly, melting on the spot at my touch.

"This is getting out of hand, how are we supposed to explain our 30 minutes of absence? Why did we stay away for so long?" Isak muttered, and then proceeded to sneak his hands under my shirt, running them along my torso in a languid, tortuous path.

"I'm pretty sure what you're doing right this second is the answer," I snorted. 

"I'm not doing anything," he has the nerves to lie before leaning and pressing his lips against my neck. 

"We are never going to leave this room," I whispered and believed it to be true - at this rate, we would be back at hiding in a stall in a few seconds.

Horny teenagers, for sure.

"Sounds good," Isak nodded, a murmur as his lips brushed the shell of my ears, and then all of sudden we were back at kissing hungrily.

Right as Magnus stumbled into the bathroom. He squealed at the sight of the two of us heavily making out in the middle of the room and we both jumped apart, first from the surprise (what do you mean the rest of the world still existed?), then from the realisation that we've been stupidly caught.

The whole thing ceased to be a game when I saw the terror on Isak's face again. I wanted to comfort him, to hug him in my arms to protect him from all his fears and potentially his friends (although I doubted Magnus gave a fuck), but it was probably not a good idea right now. Last time Isak couldn't even look at me, so me initiating contact again after being caught  _ kissing _ ... 

I quickly checked on Magnus, to see that he was staring at us with wide eyes, unusually silent. Soon, we heard Mahdi and Jonas steps. They were almost running after Magnus and looked almost as panicked as Isak right now when they entered the room too.

"Magnus, we told you not to-" Jonas started but got quickly interrupted.

"What the fuck!" Magnus found his voice again.

"Sorry, we tried to stop him," Mahdi added.

_ Oh.  _ So maybe Magnus was the only completely oblivious one, because Mahdi sure looked like he's known for quite a while.

My eyes flew back to Isak, but this time I was surprised to see the utter fear was gone, replaced by a slight embarrassment and some shyness. It was much better.

"Hm. So. I guess I owe you a few explanations?" Isak tried carefully.

"You don't, actually," Jonas replied, throwing an insistent look at Magnus, trying to make it clear there was no room for him to be offended. But Magnus, as always, didn't notice.

"What the fuck," he repeated. "Are you gay?!"

Both Jonas and Mahdi groaned at his bluntness. I winced, but Isak didn't seem to be too unsettled. He was probably used to Magnus' unfiltered questions.

"I am, in fact, very gay," he said, and actually smiled at his own words. I couldn't help but join him. It felt good to see him grow more confident, less apologetic. "And Even and I have been a thing for quite some time now."

"No kidding," Mahdi smirked. 

"Did you know?" Isak asked, reporting his attention on him. 

Mahdi huffed. "Well, I kind of connected the dots the second time you two eyed fucked each other while we were having dinner and then disappeared. The lovebites when you got back weren't subtle either."

_ Right _ . So much for being discreet. I exchanged a short glance with Isak and I was relieved to see him smile back at me with little discomfort, even after Mahdi pointed out how obvious we've been for days.

" _ What?!  _ I didn't notice anything! Why didn't you tell me?!" Magnus yelped again, but this time directed to Jonas and Mahdi.

"You're a lost cause," Mahdi shrugged.

Magnus pouted before he turned around again to face Isak and I. He glanced at me, got lost in thought for a moment, and then ran into Isak's arms, hugging him tight.

"Told you he was hot!"

We all laughed. Isak rolled his eyes at his friend. "No, really?"

The sarcasm got lost on Magnus who nodded enthusiastically after he had let go of him.

"I'm starving. Can we finally eat now?" Mahdi complained, although he did look quite happy for his friend, too.

"Oh! I need to pee," Magnus suddenly remembered the reason why he came here in the first place. 

We all started to leave the bathroom, heading for some nicer place, and Isak took my hand. Surprised, I met his eyes, and he looked genuinely happy. Relieved. I squeezed back gently, trying to convey to him all the admiration and pride and... love, I felt for him. Isak smiled back at me, like maybe he could read my mind.

Maybe he did.


	91. Chapter 91




	92. Chapter 92




	93. Chapter 93




	94. Chapter 94

**DAY 79**

When we get to Hanoi, I feel as grey as the rainy, heavy and colorless sky of the city.

It took me by surprise, the unexpected drop of mood. I really thought it was the fatigue, at first, maybe the after-effects of months of traveling. After all, everything was going great at the moment: I was seeing fabulous landscapes, I was surrounded by great people and I was with Isak, for whom my feelings remained unexpressed but very strong. Everything was going well. There was no reason for my mood to shift.

And yet…

By the time we left Tam Coc and got on a short bus journey to Hanoi, I couldn't bother to talk to anyone, not even Isak, and slept - or if not, pretended to sleep - most of the time. 

"Are you sure you're okay? Maybe you caught something. Maybe-"

"I'm fine, Isak. Just let it go."

"But-"

"I'm sleepy. I just need to sleep. I will feel better once we get to Hanoi," I lied.

"Okay. Okay, fine," Isak gave up, reaching for my hand but I moved before he could touch me, shifted in my seat so I would almost turn my back on him. Then I closed my eyes so I wouldn't have to see how hurt Isak looked at my rejection.

Obviously, I didn't feel any better once we arrived in Hanoi. On the contrary, big cities were the worst when you already felt lonely. There is nothing worse than feeling lonely when you know that technically, physically, you're never alone.

The truth is, Yousef's message got too me in unexpected ways. It was silly, it was just a message and not even a bad one, but it's been like everything I've been trying to run away from had suddenly rushed back into my mind. Oslo. Yousef. The friends I couldn't face anymore. My disastrous last year of high school. My very public manic episode. My - almost final - depressive episode. The hospital, for quite a while. The slow, very slow recovery that followed. Sonja watching over me at all times. The breakup. The emptiness, when you realize maybe all this time you've only ever been nothing but an empty shell.

I thought I had it all figured out, especially after all the growing up I felt like I went through during the past few months, but maybe I've been lying to myself. Maybe I was still the same unstable, untrustworthy and dependent guy. 

Maybe I haven't achieved anything.

And the worst part is, I can't talk to Isak about it. How am I supposed to ruin his good time, too? How am I supposed to break the news to him - that he got unlucky enough to get involved with a broken, unreliable guy? I thought I could be good enough for him, but clearly I've been wrong. It was a mistake.

I was a mistake. Isak's mistake.


	95. Chapter 95




	96. Chapter 96




	97. Chapter 97

**DAY 80**

I can't get out of bed. 

I've always thought of it like a very personal kind of Russian roulette game. When an inexplicable and senseless sorrow washes over me and an extreme fatigue weighs on my bones, right before I lay in bed and fall asleep, I always feel like it's some kind of twisted game. Who knows how I'm going to be the next day? Will I wake up or sleep for a whole day? If I do wake up, will I manage to get out of bed? Will I get up but go back to bed a hour later, as if 60 minutes were the most my body could take? Or not move at all. Stay in bed.

That's what happens this morning. I can't get out of bed, and with that, can't bring myself to speak to anyone.

Isak tries the hardest, obviously, but everytime I hear his footsteps followed by his soft, whispering voice filled with worry, I hide under my blankets and wait for him to give up. At some point during the day, Magnus tried to talk to me, for some unknown reasons, but I didn't acknowledge him either. But if Magnus never came back, Isak kept trying over and over again. I can't even remember how many times he showed up with his puppy eyes and his shaking voice. It broke my heart every single time, because all I wanted is for me to get up and suck it up, to hug Isak and be happy again, but my body as well as my mind, my biggest enemy, were stronger than my wishes. 

So I laid in bed and waited for the day to end.


	98. Chapter 98




	99. Chapter 99




	100. Chapter 100

**DAY 82**

When Isak bursted into the room about an hour after I messaged Jonas, I knew he was angry. I could guess it just from the way he was walking, the way he opened the door of the dormitory, firm and determined, nothing like the soft, careful way he did the past few days.

And then… Well then it was pretty obvious.

"What the fuck, Even!" He yelled, grabbed the curtains of my bed and opened them without any hesitation. I didn't budge though. I was expecting it, to be honest. Of course Isak would put on a fight. "You're really trying to get rid of me now?!"

"I just want you to have fun with your best friends."

"What about what  _ I  _ want, hm?!"

"You don't want to stay here watching over me for days, Isak. Don't lie to me."

"I'm not fucking lying, you traitor! Asking Jonas to convince me, really? That's low!"

I knew he was right, it was disrespectful and I should have talked to Isak directly instead. That was the least I could do after everything we've shared together… But I didn't have the energy for it at all, that's the thing. I didn't have the energy to debate with Isak. The only option left, was to make him  _ want _ to leave me. So I pushed all my feelings deep inside me, so far away I could barely feel anything anymore except hollowness, which was the only thing I needed right now. That's all I needed for what I was about to do.

I sighed, used my coldest voice and spoke again. "Isak, listen. I don't want you here with me any longer. I'm sick of having you around me all the time."

Isak's face fell instantly. All my being was screaming at me to stop it before he got hurt too badly, but I knew it was for the best. He needed to be free from me. "You don't mean it. You just…"

"So I'm brain dead now, that's what you're saying? I don't know what I want and what I feel, I don't know what I'm saying, hm?!"

"No, that's not what-"

"Isak. You need to leave. It was good while it lasted, the two of us, but come on! It's nothing more than a fling. We got caught up in the moment, it was very fun, but now it's time to move on. I need space, okay? I need to breathe, and I can't breathe with you suffocating me all the time."

It did the trick. I felt like throwing up, I hated every word I said, I hated  _ myself _ like I've never hated anything more in my entire life, but it did the trick. 

Isak didn't say another word. He stared at me, frozen, with surprise but mostly pain in his beautiful eyes. The moment seemed to last forever, although I was pretty sure it didn't last more than a few seconds in reality.

Long enough though, for me to see a tear running on Isak's cheek, before he quickly wiped it and got out of the room.

It shattered my heart in pieces. 

I deserved it.


	101. Chapter 101

**DAY 83**

Isak and the boys left. I know it, because I'm hearing new voices in the dormitory. Other travellers took their beds. 

Isak left. Isak is gone.

I broke his heart and I made him leave for good.

That's what I wanted but I fucking hate myself.


	102. Chapter 102




	103. Chapter 103




	104. Chapter 104

**DAY 84**

I sleep.

Sleeping is all I'm doing. I barely get up when the cleaning ladies show up. I'm useless like that.

I need to call my parents. I'm making them worry again, but that's all I'm ever doing, isn't it? Making people worry. 

I wonder if Isak feels better. I wonder how badly I hurt him. I wonder if he can still have fun with his friends or if I ruined that for him, too. If I ruined his entire trip for him, too.

Like I always ruin everything.


	105. Chapter 105

**DAY 85**

I feel nothing.


	106. Chapter 106

**DAY 88**

I couldn't even find the strength to write the last two days. I guess me writing right now is a bit of an improvement.

I have nothing to say though. Nothing.


	107. Chapter 107

**DAY 89**

I can't believe I did that. I can't believe I hurt Isak. I can't believe I'm still stuck in this fucking bed and not with him, begging him to forgive me.


	108. Chapter 108




	109. Chapter 109

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I couldn't let you suffer, here's more updates ;)

**DAY 91**

After Magnus' message, I managed to go to the closest shop to buy noodles - it was my first meal in almost two days. Later, I took a shower, which hadn't happened in much longer than two days, that's for sure. Then I went back to bed, but at least, it was an improvement.

Over the hours and days, that's what I did best: chasing improvements. Until, finally, I felt alive and determined enough to take the first bus I could find for Cat Ba, an island in the middle of the famous Halong Bay. That's where Isak and his friends were. That's where I was heading, ready to fall on my knees and beg for forgiveness. At this point, there was close to nothing I wasn't ready to do to get him back.

The journey felt endless, but mostly because I couldn't wait any longer to face Isak. I had a whole speech ready in my mind, I was ready. Except, once I showed up at Isak's hostel, thanks to Magnus' help, nothing worked out as planned.

First, I showed up at the hostel unannounced, and it turned out to be problematic when I had to wait two hours for the boys to come back from their day trip around the island. The staff was kind enough to let me wait in the common area, or maybe just feeling sorry for me. I knew I didn't look good: sure, I was out of bed and more or less functioning, but it didn't mean I looked healthy and well-rested. I was very well aware of my gloomy face, the dark rings under my eyes and the hunched way I was standing.

I waited, and eventually, I heard the loud, chaotic voices of the guys getting closer as they walked the stairs up to the hostel. Magnus was the first to notice me, being the first in line, and he shooted a startling "no fucking way!" with the biggest smile. Jonas and Mahdi followed, surprised but obviously much more subtle in their reaction. I met Jonas' eyes, colder than what I was used to but it was only fair after what I did. Nonetheless, he nodded at me, like satisfied still that I would decide to show up. And finally, Isak arrived, dragging his feet and staring at the ground, no smile in sight. He looked up when he realized his friends had stopped walking, frowned at them, before following their gaze towards… Me.

That's when I forgot all about my well-prepared speech. Meeting Isak's sad, cold eyes, all words were gone from my brain. I was left with nothing but guilt and regrets and a desperate need to hold him in my arms.

We stared at each other for long seconds in silence. The boys, the staff, the rest of the world disappeared around us, all I could see was Isak. How could I have been stupid enough to make him leave? I've made mistakes in my life, but this one was by far my worst mistake yet.

"Even. What the fuck are you doing here?!" Isak spoke first, taking me aback. His voice was harsh and angry, which should be understandable considering what I've done and said to him before, but it didn't match how hurt he had looked only seconds ago. It was like his pain had turned into anger just by looking at me.

"I- I need to talk to you. Can we talk?"

"Oh, so now you want to _talk_? I don't think there is anything left to say. You've been very clear last time I've tried to have a real conversation with you."

I didn't know how he was doing it, using so many words with such ease, but I was perfectly incapable of it right now. That's why I was reduced to a gaping idiot, looking like a goldfish, my speech long forgotten.

"I-I'm sorry. I fucked up," I said, wincing at my own ridiculous words. "But, I can explain, okay? Just let me explain."

"You know what? I don't want to listen to you. Not anymore," Isak retorted, and his voice broke by the end. His tough act was starting to crumble under my eyes. 

Maybe there was some hope left.

But then-

"Please, Isak. Baby. I-"

"Don't talk to me, ever again," Isak cut me off, voice shaking and tears in his eyes - from pain or anger, I couldn't tell - before he ran away, climbing the stairs leading to his room, most likely.

I remained frozen in the middle of the common area, Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi staring back at me with wide eyes. They looked as confused as me, but not half as worried.

Somehow, it didn't apaise me in the least.


	110. Chapter 110




	111. Chapter 111

**DAY 91**

Once again, I waited for Isak. I waited for him, sitting on the pier right in front of the hostel, legs thrown over the water. I didn't mind waiting; for Isak, I would wait an eternity. But the longer I waited, the more scared I was growing of never seeing him again.

But at sunset, he came to meet me. And even though his face was hard and closed off, his eyes avoiding mine pointedly, I've never felt more relieved in my entire life.

"Alright," he said, sitting next to me, closer than what he probably meant in his current state of anger, but old habits die hard. "Speak."

I had a lot to say about me, about my illness, about what got me stuck in bed for so long. I didn't know how much Isak had figured out on his own, if Magnus guided him, or what was the "something more" Jonas mentioned. We had a long conversation ahead of us, because I realized, we knew each other's heart, body and soul, but we hardly knew each other's past - and we've clearly reached a point where it couldn't be ignored any longer.

And yet, the only thing I could think of, the only thing I wanted to say to him right this moment, was-

"You're the best thing that ever happened to me."

Isak's neutral features got brushed away. He looked at me with big, surprised eyes, but in his green irises, I thought I could decipher hope as well. Although, if the spark was just the reflection of mine, that, I couldn't tell. I didn't know anything for sure anymore.

Or almost. What I just told Isak, I knew for sure.

"You know," I started talking again since Isak didn't seem ready to speak, "when I'm low, no matter how many times it happened before, I always forget that I will get better eventually. I forget that I won't feel as bad forever, that it's not meant to stay that way. It's also so frustrating, not having a say to it, not having a choice. And you know how much I value making my own decisions… I can't, when it happens. I feel powerless, I feel sad, I feel angry. I feel like it won't ever get better, and what I have in my life, the good things, they won't last. So…" I've been staring at the water, lost in thoughts, but decided I needed to see him. To read his face, to witness his reactions - whatever they were. So I turned and put my eyes on him. "So since you were -  _ are _ \- the best thing in my life, I made you leave before you would." At that, Isak scoffed. It was fair. "And I know it's so cliché, I hate how I sound myself. But that's the truth. I was so ashamed, so defeated, that I couldn't see the big picture anymore. So I figured, maybe ripping the bandage now was smarter than waiting to be taken by surprise. To not… have a say in it."

When I stopped talking, I was a little breathless. But Isak didn't wait for me to recover. He looked upset. He was frowning. He said, not wasting any more time;

"Okay but what about  _ me _ ? I didn't have a say in it, did I?"

He was right, of course. "I know. I'm not saying I'm making sense. I know it was selfish, although… I was certain you would be better off without me."

"Even," he huffed. "We've been once apart for a whole month and I wasn't better off without you. Why would it be different now?"

"You didn't know back then what you were getting yourself into."

"And what am I getting myself into?"

This time, I'm the one who couldn't help but scoff. "Surely you must know now," I muttered while gesturing at my head.

Isak  _ rolled _ his eyes at me. I couldn't believe it. "No matter what it is exactly, it doesn't change anything. Stop finding excuses."

"I'm not-"

"Even, what is it that you want? You sound like you're about to tell me how much we - us together - aren't a good idea, so if that's it, why did you even bother to come? I'm not interested in hearing your arguments because, guess what, I will disagree anyway."

I enjoyed Isak's stubbornness and persistence more than I probably should considering the circumstances, but how could I not melt when he was talking to me like that, beautiful and confident, so  _ sure  _ of himself and of us? He was incredible.

"Okay. You're right," I admitted. I couldn't remember why I even put on a fight. I wanted Isak. That's why I was here. If Isak wanted me, who was I to try to talk him out of it? I should be grateful he seemed to still be open to the two of us.

"Okay, what?" Isak asked. He looked and sounded nervous, I was way too confusing.

"I won't say anything more against us. Well, against me, because to me I'm the only obstacle to-" Isak glared at me. I stopped. I was doing it again. I started all over again. "Like I said, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me, Isak. You've made everything better. You make me better, even if I'm ruining it sometimes. "

Isak was glowing under the sunset colors. It reminded me of our first kiss.

"Twice I didn't follow you and twice you came to meet me. It was long overdue for me to run after you."

For the first time, finally, I saw the shadow of a smile on Isak's lips.

"I adore you," I said, but it wasn't right. It wasn't all of it.

I took his face between my hands, carefully, softly. His eyes fluttered shut for a half-second, like a Pavlovian reflex. I kissed his forehead because I didn't dare to touch his lips yet - I wasn't sure I was allowed to do so again.

"I'm so in love with you, Isak. I've been such a fool for pushing you away. I'm so, so sorry for hurting you. I will do everything to fix it, I swear."

Isak leaned, and at first I couldn't tell if he was about to kiss or hit me, but then I got crushed into a tight hug. I was back into Isak's arms and finally, I could breathe again.

"Ugh, why did you have to make us so dramatic?" Isak tried a joke, and I felt so relieved that I let out a surprised laugh. It sounded wet, as if I was close to tears.

Maybe I was. But I was also with Isak, so it was all fine now.

It would get better.


	112. Chapter 112




	113. Chapter 113

**DAY 92**

We took our time, once we got to the room. We took a shower - separately. Then we went out again to buy food and ate on the small balcony of the room, enjoying the view of the harbor. It was late, probably another day already. I wasn't exactly relaxed, because I knew I had a lot to say to Isak, but him, he seemed calm, like no matter what I would say next it wouldn't change a single thing. For him, the storm was over.

I hoped he was right.

"You know, when I had to repeat my last year of high school, I actually transferred to Nissen," I said once we were done eating and I didn't see the point of dragging it out much longer.

Isak looked at me in surprise. "What, really? But I've never seen you, how is it possible?" 

"I never went. Or, I came the first day, but I turned around before even getting inside the courtyard. I couldn't do it. But now I'm wondering what would have happened if I had seen you there."

Isak shrugged. "What? You think you would have stayed?"

Of course. "Maybe. Most likely."

He rolled his eyes at me. "You just saying that  _ now _ ."

I smiled. "I guess we will never know."

We were quiet for a while. Then, Isak spoke again first. "But… Why did you have to repeat?"

That was it. The thing I've never talked about out loud, not in a very long time, not to anyone who wasn't the shrink my parents and Sonja talked me into seeing back then. I've never liked talking about it, for obvious reasons, would rather have the memories to disappear completely from my mind.

Isak moved beside me. He dragged his seat closer to mine, and then actually in front of mine. He leaned forward and put his hands on my face, the way I did so many times to him before, but for the first time, he was the one doing it and it nearly stopped my heart from beating. Gently, he drew soothing circles on my cheeks with his thumb, followed the line of my eyebrows with his fingertips, played with my hair until I melted under his touch, until we both felt the tension slip away from me.

"You don't have to be scared," he murmured before bringing our faces together and pressing a quick, but firm, kiss on my lips, like a statement.

I sighed. It was a mix of apprehension and relief. "Alright, so. Hm. I have this thing called bipolar disorder." 

I checked his reaction but his features never moved, he remained calm and composed, his eyes soft, watching over me. 

"Like Magnus' mom," I added, in case it would make more sense for him. He didn't react either, didn't seem to wonder how I knew about the mother of his friend. Maybe he has seen the message Magnus sent to me. Maybe not. But right now, it didn't matter. 

I got a reaction from Isak when I started to talk about my episode. My major episode, just a few months before the end of high school, ruined my chances of getting out, ruined my reputation and ruined my friendships. But those were probably details, compared to the desperate act that ended up sending me to the hospital for weeks, got me months of therapy and made me swallow pills every day - what an irony, when I think about it. I told Isak all of it, and he got sadder and sadder at every word, but also shift closer and closer to me, not repulsed in any away, on the contrary, he was almost sitting on my lap as his hands were settled on my back, holding on together in an almost hug.

I told him about feeling powerless. I told him about feeling so ashamed I would rather disappear. So I tried and failed. And when I had to face my fears, I ran away again. Only now do I know, I ran away from Isak without meaning to. But that was the story of my life.

"Don't think about it," Isak brushed it off. "We are here, now, and it's perfect the way it is."

Eventually, we moved to the bed. Isak got rid of his clothes, and then took care of mine. We laid on the sheets as Isak curled around me, kissed me and held me tight until everything I had dared to say, all the words I used out loud, didn't sound so scary anymore.

"Remember when we were talking about Oslo and how we were running away from something?" Isak asked.

Of course I remembered. "Yes, back in Chiang Mai. You said you didn't want to be the guy who runs away, though."

He nodded. "Yeah. Because I don't want to be like my father." I tried to peek at his face, but he was too buried into the crook of my neck. "He left when I was 16. My mom was sick - not like you, not like Magnus' mother, but something like that, too."

Now it made sense. That's what Jonas briefly mentioned to me earlier. Isak had been terrified of repeating History.  _ I  _ made him terrified of it, by not giving him the choice, by pushing him into his father's shoes.

"It was very hard, for a very long time. And I didn't always stay, either, that's the thing," he confessed, voice unsure.

"You're not to blame. It wasn't your responsibility," I pointed out. I've never liked to think anyone should be responsible for me, for my illness. Not even my parents.

"Except I need to think it was my father's responsibility. And so, if it was his, it was also mine. We are all responsible for each other."

"It's not the same, your father and you," I argued softly.

He didn't fight me on this. Over the years, he has probably been led to that conclusion more than once. Rationally, he knew. Emotionally, guilt was a constant fight. I knew something about it. But that's why he was so adamant on the fact he didn't mean to be running away from anything while being here. Deep down, he needed a break, but he also felt guilty for needing it, for wanting it. That's how gentle and kind he was.

"So are we good?" He said, pulling away just enough to look up at me through his eyelashes. 

I kissed him slowly, licking at his lower lip. Our noses rub together, I grinned into the embrace, so did Isak. It was my favorite thing about us: how soft, how comfortable, how natural everything felt. We could lie naked together for hours and not rush into anything, not expect anything. Sometimes, it was more. But sometimes, it wasn't, it was simply the two of us bathing into a fulfilling and pure intimacy. 

I had no idea how we managed to find both ourselves and each other on the other side of the world, to create something so wholesome to share and to give, but we did. We really did.

"We are good."


	114. Chapter 114




	115. Chapter 115




	116. Chapter 116




	117. Chapter 117




	118. Chapter 118

**DAY 95**

I wasn't planning on doing it, I never lied to Isak about coming back home. It just turned out that way.

The flight Isak and his friends were taking was full when I tried to book a seat. At this point, Isak and I were already on a bus to Hanoi. He was in such a good mood, I didn't feel like spoiling it. I checked for later flights and while going through the possibilities, that's when I realized I wasn't ready to leave just yet. My journey felt unfinished, leaving now would be too rushed. 

I had time. Oslo could wait.

So I booked a later ticket. Not for the next day. Not for the day after, either. But for 7 days later. A whole week after Isak was meant to leave.

I didn't dare to say anything during our last night. I just held Isak's a bit tighter while we slept. I would see him again soon enough, it was just a week after all. We were stronger than this, by now. I knew we were meant to last.

I packed my backpack just like he packed his, and then I took him to the airport. We were supposed to meet the boys there. I messaged Jonas about my plan, so Isak and I would have some alone time before we got separated.

I knew that Isak would be mad. I knew that he would freak out, perhaps threaten not to get on his flight after all. To stay with me.

But when I told him, "I can't go home with you, not yet," I wasn't expecting him to sigh and reply, "I knew you would change your mind."

I was surprised, because it's never been about me changing my mind. If it hasn't been for this full flight, I would have left with him as planned. At least that's what I thought, but Isak didn't seem convinced by my argument.

"You booked a seat in a week?"

"Yes. Seven days. I promise."

He paused, hesitant. "Are you really planning on taking it? Or are you going to change your mind at the last minute, too?"

"Isak. I didn't change my mind, it just turned out that way. And then I thought, what's one more week?"

"But  _ why _ ?"

"I need to finish this trip the same way I started it: alone. I'm not changing my mind: I'm coming back home. I'm coming back home to Oslo and to  _ you _ . But I want an extra week to think. To be with myself. Does it make sense?"

I wasn't sure it made sense to anyone but me, but after a while, Isak actually nodded.

"Okay. Fine."

He didn't look sad. He seemed resigned, a bit annoyed, but not heartbroken, which was a huge relief for me. I've done enough harm as it is.

"I just wish you would have told me before. This is so sudden, I can't think properly. I want to tell you so many things but it's all a mess," he muttered, pouting.

I smiled, took a step to press our foreheads together. "It's fine. You can think about it and tell me everything once I'm back. In a week."

"In a week," Isak whispered, like he was trying to convince himself.

It was clear he was scared I wouldn't come back like I said I would. And yet, he wasn't putting on a fight. He wasn't telling me what to do, wasn't asking for me to come with him. No ultimatum. No guilt tripping.

I was so in love with him.

"You're perfect," I murmured.

He rolled his eyes. I giggled. "Shut up and kiss me goodbye," he requested.

So of course I did. I did until Isak's friends had to come pick him up and drag him away from me.


	119. Chapter 119




	120. Chapter 120




	121. Chapter 121

**EPILOGUE ~ 2 years later**


	122. Chapter 122

**EPILOGUE ~ 2 years later**


	123. Chapter 123




	124. Chapter 124

**THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF OUR LIVES**

On my first trip, I discovered what freedom felt like. It's the most beautiful thing, the most important thing there is. To be free.

But lost in the mountains of the North of Vietnam for a week, before finally heading back home, I also realized something else. Better than freedom, is to give a piece of your heart to someone and for this someone to give you a piece of theirs, and still feel free. To love and to be loved, to swear to be together, and still feel free. To be with someone who cares about your freedom as much as theirs.

That's what it feels like to be in love with Isak Valtersen.

That's why I made my decision back then. 

Two years later, I was on a plane with a sleeping Isak cuddled on my shoulder. I talked him into a surprise trip to an unknown destination - but the destination didn't really matter. 

The most important, it was the journey together. Being free together.

And also… The golden ring I had in my pocket.

I knew I wanted to propose to him on this trip, because it made sense to do it while we were once again travelling on the other side of the world, but I haven't figured out when I would do it until I spent an hour watching him sleep peacefully in my arms, his face pillowed on my shoulder, his breath caressing my neck. No matter how many times it has happened over the years, I never got used to it. Having Isak wrapped around me that way, it still sent my heart into a frenzy beat. Just like the first time Isak has fallen asleep on me in a bus driving from Chiang Mai to Chiang Rai, at the beginning of our story.

So much happened after that. Good things. Bad things. All of them never made me change my mind, not even for a second: I would marry Isak Valtersen someday.

So for it to hopefully happen, I decided I didn't need to wait for a special occasion. Isak didn't like grand gestures anyway. 

I slipped the golden ring on his finger while he was sleeping and then waited for him to wake up.

I will never forget the moment Isak's eyes blinked awake, slowly, looking a bit lost the way you do when you wake up in an unknown place and forget about it. He shifted slightly in seat and on my chest, before bringing his left hand to his face, rubbing his face until-

"What the fuck."

Isak almost jumped from his seat and looked up at me with wide eyes.

"Even? What-"

"The passengers are sleeping. Lower your voice, baby."

Isak blinked at me several times, astonished. "You- Are you kidding me? I wake up with a… ring on my finger and all you have to say is,  _ lower your voice, baby _ ?!"

I laughed, kissed him quickly on the lips. "No, you're right, I have another thing to say."

He threw at me one of his "no kidding" look.

"Isak Valtersen…"

"I can't believe you."

"You snore in your sleep."

"What the- Fuck you Bech Næsheim," he rolled his eyes at me, fighting against a smile. He looked more awake now, less dazed… much more excited and impatient.

"I'm sorry I can't get on my knee for you, there is literally no space for me." He scoffed at me, I chuckled. "Also, I forgot my speech. I didn't know I was going to propose  _ now _ . I just couldn't help it."

"You're a mess," Isak laughed, but he had tears in his eyes betraying his own emotions. Because he didn't care about traditions. About me getting on one knee or making a dramatic, romantic speech. But he loved me as much as I loved him, so it meant everything to him, too.

"I love you, Isak Valtersen. That, I know for sure. That's not something I would ever forget, or wouldn't be able to do. No one and nothing can stop me from loving you. You're the most incredible, beautiful, perfect person I know and I want to marry you. I want to take you in every country in the whole world and marry you in every single one of them."

"Not so bad for an improvised speech," he whispered. His voice was shaking. I leaned and brushed the tears off his cheeks.  _ My baby _ .

"So, will you marry me, Isak, baby? Will you, even if I proposed on a plane in the middle of the night?"

Isak smiled through the tears. "Yes. I will always say yes, no matter the time and the place. Of course I will, you dork."

I laughed. I didn't care about waking all the passengers up anymore. The love of my life, my soulmate, just said yes to me. The whole world could disappear, I couldn't care less right now.

I took him in my arms again and kissed him. We were both smiling too wide to make it anything but wet and messy, but it didn't matter.  _ I will marry him _ .

"But- How-" He kept stuttering. "When did you decide to do it? I had no idea you were planning to propose. I can't think properly." He was a beautiful mess.  _ My  _ beautiful mess.

"When did I decide to ask you to marry me? I made that decision two years ago, when I spent a week alone in the North of Vietnam before heading back home."

"What? No way! You're just saying that to be romantic," he protested, but then he was crying all over again. He knew I was serious. "Oh no, I just remembered something!" He whispered-exclaimed all of sudden. "Two years ago I made a stupid decision."

He got me confused. Did he forget to tell me he married someone else two years ago? "What?" 

"Jonas convinced me to let him tell all the embarrassing stories he knows about me on our wedding day as a thank you for being the best best friend ever on our first trip."

I laughed. "So you were thinking about marrying me too back then!"

"It- It didn't happen like that. Stop smiling! You're way too extra, Jonas is the one who talked about it."

"But you agreed. Did you agree because you thought it would never happen anyway? Or did you agree knowing full well it was a possibility and Jonas deserved that special thank you?" I teased him. I knew the answer.

"You know Jonas has been a Saint, it was an honest promise."

" _ Ohhh _ , baby."

"Hush!" He grinned. "Or I swear you will never get to hear me call you my husband."

My whole body shivered at the word. "Say it again."

"Nope."

"Come on. I'm your fiancé."

It worked on him, too. "Ugh. You're manipulating me."

"It sounds amazing, isn't it? I'm your fiancé and you're my fiancé." I was on top of the world. I was so in love and so happy, it shouldn't be allowed to feel this much.

"I can't believe you proposed to me somewhere where I can't jump you," Isak groaned. To be honest, I started to hate myself a little bit for it. We had to wait 4 more hours before getting off the plane, and then probably 2 more hours until we got to our hotel. Which meant for two newly engaged lovers: an eternity.

Ironically, though, an eternity is what we had together from now on.

So, "it's okay," I ended up saying. "It's the first day of the rest of our lives. We have many more days yet to come for it."

It made Isak roll his eyes at me again, which I loved, and then he smirked. "Okay, future husband."

I kissed him. Again and again and again.

And he kissed me back, with his hand on my cheek, the metal of the golden ring digging into my skin, a constant reminder of what our future would be.

An eternity with Isak Valtersen has never sounded so sweet. I couldn't wait for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading yet another AU of mine! ❤️❤️❤️
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the adventure, especially in times when most of us can't travel and explore the world anymore. At least we can still find freedom in writing and reading :')
> 
> I don't know when I will publish another AU but you can subscribe to [the series](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1919482) and you will get a notification as soon as I start posting another piece of work. See you soon lovely people, take care of yourself and of each other!


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